


Gentle Heat

by IlluminateandRelate



Series: I fix the end of Tokyo Ghoul [5]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Freeze reaction, I'm Sorry, M/M, Mentions of Rape, My hands betrayed me, PTSD, Vaginal Fingering, it is?, mutsurie, they run on their own agenda, this was supposed to be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 09:10:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,801
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15215879
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IlluminateandRelate/pseuds/IlluminateandRelate
Summary: Urie was not Mutsuki’s first kiss.Mutsuki first kiss was cold. Stiff. Mutsuki’s first kiss was rough, a pair of chapped and scabbed lips smashed to his own. An unfeeling, an unwanted thing. Mutsuki’s first kiss was not the giggling smile of a schoolgirl at the movies. Or between two teens over a bottle in front of the eyes of many. It was not summer fireworks or flames. The splash of ocean spray. Enlightening. Everything. Nothing. Loving. Or Happy.





	Gentle Heat

**Author's Note:**

> Guys, I am so fucking sorry for anything about to happen...

Urie was not Mutsuki’s first kiss.

 

Mutsuki first kiss was cold. Stiff. Mutsuki’s first kiss was rough, a pair of chapped and scabbed lips smashed to his own. An unfeeling, an unwanted thing. Mutsuki’s first kiss was not the giggling smile of a schoolgirl at the movies. Or between two teens over a bottle in front of the eyes of many. It was not summer fireworks or flames. The splash of ocean spray. Enlightening. Everything. Nothing. Loving. Or Happy.

Mutsuki’s first kiss was bloody, the red of his own metallic fluids dripping from the man's lips. The unbearable pain. Mutsuki’s kiss was nausea, and panic, and vomit. Mutsuki’s kiss was a toe curling, body screaming, anxiety-induced trip to hell and back. No. _Was hell._

He’d wanted to remove them afterward. Wanted to scrub them free of the layers of sin and filth. He rubbed them till they bled. until only bloody lumps of mutilated flesh remained. _None of it mattered._

The disgust, overwhelming and fresh had crept into his bones, his bloodstream. Settled in his bones, in his skin. Every single cell and bit of bacteria tingled with it. He knew it. He hadn’t been crazy. He could _feel_ it. _See_ it.

 

Mutsuki’s second kiss was everything but.

After a while, he’d lost count, lost track of the amount of warmth pressed to his lips. Lost himself the sensation of floating, of being _free_. With Urie, there was no such thing as cold. No such thing as disgust, as ugly, and grotesque. There was only gentle heat.

On his lips, on his neck, his cheeks, his chin.

On this particular day his abdomen.

Each touch of his lips blossomed small curling flowers of flame, curling in his insides, twisting their vines of heat in coils around and about. They grew up his chest, through his neck into his head till everything felt fuzzy and hot. He closed his eyes, his hands sliding down the warmth of Urie’s back. Relishing in the smooth heat of his skin before he slid his fingers up and through the soft fuzzy base of Urie’s undercut. _Its longer_. Mutski noticed, a gentle smile peeking at the corners of his mouth. He opened his eyes to look down at the slowly growing head of dark strands.

Urie noticed his sudden slow in movement and stopped what he was doing to look back up at Mutsuki, his eyebrows raised in concern.

 _He knew about Rushima_. _And before_.

But Mutsuki wasn’t thinking about that, not right now, not yet. Not with this heat, rising from his body and settling around them- a security blanket of sorts. The haze of warmth had his brain floating, _drifting_. He sat up scooting closer to him, to meet his face, to get another intoxicating drip of heat on his lips. To which Urie obliged, reaching forward to cup Mutsuki’s chin just as he’d done the very first time they’d kissed. They always started out gentle, slow and soft, controlled.

Mutsuki moved his hands from between them to the sides of Urie’s face, adding pressure to the kiss as he gently stroked a thumb across the twin moles beneath his eye. Mutsuki’s hands had always found excuses to touch them.

“ _Urie-kun you have something on your face.”_

_“Urie-kun you have something in your hair”._

He could feel Urie scoff and chuckle beneath his fingers and from his mouth.

“Ridiculous,” he muttered for the half-second Mutsuki had allowed him to breathe before his lips continued devouring his.

He felt Urie’s lips moving from his own to the corner of his mouth, from there his chin then his neck. Mutsuki moaned softly and tilted his head to the side as he felt Urie begin to suck and nibble the skin, _gentle_. _Always so gentle._ Flaming blossoms from Urie’s mouth bloomed into his neck shooting into his bloodstream, the heat entering his heart, pumping around his body, adding another layer, another head rush.

His groin began to grow stifled with the added temperature, the small huffing breaths from Urie felt as if they were going straight to the gentle throb between his legs. He heard himself as well, small yet needy whines escaping from between his lips each time he breathed out. As if to answer him Urie’s right hand began to creep downward, moving from Mutsuki’s shoulder, brushing past the scars on Mutsuki’s chest from top surgery to the waistband of his boxer shorts. He paused for a moment at Mutsuki’s neck, looking up to him,

“Can I-”

“God, please,” Mutsuki said, breathing heavy with every syllable, biting his lip to prevent his jaw from becoming slack.

Urie dipped his fingers beneath the waistband and into the slippery moisture that had accumulated between Mutsukis folds. His fingers were cool and smooth against the heat of his skin and despite having not done anything quite yet Mutsuki let out a release of held air from his lungs.

Urie looped his left arm around Mutsuki’s neck as he led him downward, and resting atop the bed to gain full access. His fingers had only just begun to move, just began to touch there, when a swoop of anxiety seized his chest in its tight and iron grip and Mutsuki froze.

In that short second, out of seemingly nowhere his breathing quickened short breaths bubbling from his chest before his throat shut again. He grew steadily more rigid as he felt the all too familiar panic flow from some dark place in his mind. It had exploded from somewhere, nowhere, anywhere. It's poisonous toxic freezing each and every vein, molecule by molecule. The warm glow from mere moments ago replaced with liquid nitrogen cold fear. He was there again, he felt them, felt _him._ He shut his eyes, praying to the darkness to make them leave. Desperate, _pleading_ , just to _go away_ . Just to _please. Pleasepleasepleaseplease-_

The violent slamming up against his body, bloodied stumps where his limbs should be. The slap of skin on skin.

_“I love you Tooru”_

“ _Why don’t I allow myself to enjoy that respect.”_

His toes were the last to go, curling up to the rest of his foot, an ice block boy in an ice block body. A tear leaking from his eyes squeezed shut. _Wait it out_. _Wait it out, it’ll end Tooru I promise._

_I promise._

He could feel his hand cramp up, his body was too taught, too much. His arms strained with the pull, his ice coated lungs begging for him to breathe. He tried. Attempted such suck in air but he felt his lungs crack and the pain shot through his chest long and sharp. He imagined them shattering, falling, ice shards of flesh piercing his organs.

 _He had wanted to do this_. Wanted to feel Urie move in him, feel that connection Saiko had described. He felt the way the Urie looked at him when he changed, or when Mutsuki’s shirt rode up. Felt the hunger when they kissed. He wanted to give him that.

 _He_ had wanted that.

“Mutsuki,” Urie’s voice was foggy in the background, distorted.

_Disgusting, you can’t even do one thing right, can you?_

He felt them all,

_You tried? If you really cared you've done it._

_Sex is fun Mucchan!_

_You should’ve pushed through_

_Weak. Weak. Weak._

_Pathetic._

He gasped. His lungs involuntarily sucking in as much oxygen as possible. Rolling over facing the wall, his chest heaving wildly as his head spun from deprivation. He was vaguely aware of Urie behind him, shuffling about. He heard his pulse in his ears, a roaringly loud sound drowning out the rest of his jackhammering heart.

“Mutsuki!” It was there again, louder this time.

It was Urie. At least Mutsuki thought it was, he knew he was in Urie’s room, so the voice should be his too- _right?_ He wanted to say something, to speak. _I'm sorry._ But his mouth must’ve been stuck together with molasses. Stringy and thick, beyond sticky molasses. To find the words was soup, drowning in the thickness of the cream- walking through melted candy thoughts.

“Mutsuki!” _that was definitely Urie_.

_He really wished he could say something._

_Come on._

_Come on!_

He sucked in a raspy breath, in, out. _He had to relax, he had to-_

 _Urie_ . _He focused on Urie._

His voice begging for him to speak.

His half smile when he thought nobody was looking.

His insistence on getting a promotion even now, even after the end of the CCG.

The serene look on his face as he painted,

his watercolor stained hands,

the heavy scent of oil paint of which clung to each and every bit of space in the room.

As if to prove a point he took a breath through his nose, the draping scent filling his head. Clouding it.

He focused on his toes first, directing the mental warmth to them, to cradle them, let them know it was _okay._  He let them uncurl, painfully slow, his fingers loosening in their vice grip after. Mutsuki took in another gulp of oxygen, coughing loudly to test his vocal chords. His body still stiff he directed the last of the heat he could find to the metallic clawing hold on his chest- so unbearable and tight.

“I’m sorry,” He looked up to meet Urie’s eyes. He felt his eyes pool with water as he remembered the words flying at him, clawing at his brain, his body. The tears followed after, quick and fast, in heavy streams.

“I’m sorry.”

Urie climbed into the bed next to him, if anything had been on his fingers he’d cleaned it off in the time that Mutsuki was out. He felt a warm set of arms wrap around his quivering body, only realizing how cold he’d become since he’d had his freeze response.

“It’s okay, Mutsuki,” Urie spoke gentle and soft into his ear, he let out and careful _shh._

 

 _“_ _In my experience, even if you want something so badly, whether it be them or their heart. If it hurts them, you would never dream of it. And that goes for both of the people as well. A bond. Almost a pact.”_

Touka’s words echoed in his head. Her soft smile as she looked down at her abdomen, _so sure_. At the time Mutsuki had wondered how. How she knew. How she understood. Now though, _it almost seemed all too simple._

He shifted in the arms, their faces now just inches apart. Pressing his forehead to Urie's, he reached up his right hand to gently thumb the twin moles.

“I love you too.”

 

 

 

 

(I could put this in the notes but nobody would see it. THIS IS IN NO WAY ROMANTISIZING PTSD. The reason Mutsuki thinks of Urie is that, for me, thinking of something I love helps me relax.)

**Author's Note:**

> IT WAS SUPPOSED TO ALL HAPPY AT FIRST I SWEAR BUT THEN I JUST- I CAN'T HELP IT?
> 
> Anyways, I have to go to a weeklong camp Monday-Friday this week. I do have an update prepared for Tuesday though it will not be a part of this series. It is Mutsurie tho. I come home on Wed for a brief amount of time so I'll try to upload that day as well. I'm going to try and work at night because I'll be so busy during the day but I'm sorry if nothing comes of it since I work at camp as a CIT so it's pretty tiring. Plus I have to plan campfires and stuff.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading and being patient, the fact that people enjoy my subpar writing makes me cry everytime someone says anything nice.
> 
> Make sure to leave kudos, comments, and subscribe if you enjoyed <3 <3
> 
> (I NEED A BETA CONTACT ME IF YOU CAN DO IT)
> 
>  
> 
> Tumblr: http://illuminateandrelate.tumblr.com/
> 
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